[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I will never stop laughing at this
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread