wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
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Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward