I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
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[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”