I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat