The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*