listen closely
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When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name