When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
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This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
i baked you a cake
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!