Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
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I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together