I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
This story is comedy gold 😂
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell