People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
You got this…
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.