[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids