Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
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when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
classic mixup
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?