COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
a god among men
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
You know…for fall…
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
the three branches of government
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?