I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
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You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
These are my roll models.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.