if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
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People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I saw this ending much differently.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
uncle dave has been through hell
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen