I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
This line from Airplane.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.