You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
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Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
FRED: right
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake