Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
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my favorite genre of twitter
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
TODAY
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
sleeping beauty
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.