CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
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My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Thursday
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.