Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
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Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking