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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Happy Taco Tuesday
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him