GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
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Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.