It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward