If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
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“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…