The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
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Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My whole life was a lie.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
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