I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
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6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
How do you like your Corgi?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”