How do you like your Corgi?
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8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND