Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
socratic questions
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*