My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
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I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Personal question. #JustSaying
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again