cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc