If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer