I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Sing it!
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.