If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.