Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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Banking tips
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick