I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
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i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Nice try Hitler
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Flock of bats
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?