Flock of bats
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“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Stop being racist to kettles.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My wedding will be open casket.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.