People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.