Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
how much for the angry fruit?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.