Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.