If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I bet
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
The days of good grammer has went
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?