Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
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lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.