The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*