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*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.