Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.