PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
A little too much information.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?