Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
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*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.