The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”