‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
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OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.