You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
What about a To-Don’t List?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.