This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
The internet is magic sometimes.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.